Middlebury Magazine

  • Recent Stories
  • Menu
    • Features
    • Pursuits
    • Q&A
    • Editor’s Note
    • Old Chapel
    • Road Taken
    • Review
    • Podcasts
    • Videos
    • How Did You Get Here Series
    • About
    • Advertising
    • Contact
    • Support
    • Writers’ Guidelines
  • Search

Dispatches

More Than Unwelcome in America

Reflections on what it feels like to be Asian in the United States.

By Bochu Ding '21
Photograph by Getty Images
March 26, 2021
  • Facebook icon
  • Twitter icon
  • Email icon

“We don’t have a place here.”

I looked up — mid-bite into my noodles — at my mom, whose matter-of-fact tone surprised me. She paused.

“I don’t feel safe here,” she continued, more wistfully. “And it frightens me when you’re away.”

It broke my heart then. But this past week, it’s broken my heart a lot more.

I grew up on Lincoln and 19th in the Sunset District of San Francisco, where wisps of morning fog would tumble into the city at first light. The district is bounded by Golden Gate Park on one side and Ocean Beach on another. It is home to San Tung’s famous fried chicken wings, legions of boba shops and a good portion of San Francisco’s Asian-American community.

It’s where the salon of a’yi stood — where I sat sobbing after I had lost my parents in the crowd as she ran out to find them; it’s where bobo worked as a waiter — at a restaurant where I’d get fortune cookies for tagging along during deliveries; it’s where shushu lived, in a house where we’d gather on Halloween each year before driving to affluent neighborhoods for trick-or-treating.

Those memories flooded into my mind on Wednesday when I learned of the unconscionable murders that occurred in Atlanta. As more information about the victims rolled in, I could not shake the feeling that they could have easily been someone I knew. I pictured the heinous acts of hate befalling the people who guided me into adulthood — those who had cut my hair, who let me feed the fish in their restaurants, and whose hand-me-downs I wore to school.

Soon Chung Park (박순정). Hyun Jung Grant ([김]현정). Suncha Kim (김순자). Yong Ae Yue (유용애). Xiaojie Tan (谭小洁). Daoyou Feng (冯道友). Delaina Ashley Yaun. Paul Andre Michels.

Eight lives taken — six of whom were women of Asian descent.

Those women were not just a set of nameless, faceless casualties. They were daughters and mothers, mentors and caretakers, leaders and advocates, lovers and dreamers. They had favorite dishes and small things that delighted them, songs and movies that made them laugh and cry, people they loved and people who loved them. They held onto their dreams and aspirations, celebrated their accomplishments and new beginnings, and suffered loss and pain.

They deserved to feel safe — to be safe. And they deserved to know that they had as much of a right as anyone else to call this country their home.

But it’s naive to pretend that the U.S. has ever been a welcoming — or even accepting — place for those of Asian descent. Anti-Asian discrimination and violence are deeply interwoven into the fabric of U.S. history — from immigration legislation that excluded those of Asian descent to the Chinese Massacre of 1871 to Japanese internment during World War II to the Watsonvillle Anti-Filipino riots to the recent rise of anti-Asian hate crimes amid the pandemic. And it won’t stop here, either.

This hate and otherization isn’t new. Nor is it relegated to the annals of history or an abstract idea to be dissected in liberal arts classrooms.

Two summers ago, I was riding the bus home when a man accosted my colleague and me, shouting a series of slurs and threatening to hurt us and several fellow Asian passengers including a small child.

The situation continued to escalate, and as I looked around for support, I noticed that the driver and my fellow passengers refused to intervene — or even to make eye contact.

After a tense standoff, the man exited the vehicle.

Almost immediately, the once silent passengers began asking if we were alright and expressed their frustration with what happened.

While I was grateful for their support, I could not help but feel a sense of rage and disappointment — what good are niceties and condolences if no one would step in to prevent harassment and potential violence?

I got home, locked the door and sat down on the floor. I cried.

The deluge of articles, tweets and comments following the shooting reminded me of the frustration I felt on that summer day. Why did it take the horrific deaths of six people to draw attention to the rise of anti-Asian sentiment and violence amid Covid-19 — even though advocacy and community organizations had been trying to garner attention for months? And are brutal murders necessary to validate and legitimize the veracity of the hate and discrimination targeting those of Asian descent — or those of any ethnic group — that have spanned centuries?

These questions have bombarded my thoughts in the past week. And this past Sunday, I finally decided to call my mom — whose reservations about our place in the U.S. have always stood in stark contrast to my attachment to my Asian-American identity.

Our conversation drifted, eventually landing on the shooting in Atlanta. I told her that the senseless murders saddened me and braced for her response, expecting her to voice her concerns about the U.S.

She paused.

“There are too many things in this world that will bring you sadness and pain,” she said. “I just want you to be happy.”

And it broke my heart all over again.

Bochu Ding is a senior at Middlebury and the editor-in-chief of the Middlebury Campus, where this essay originally appeared.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Recent Stories

Features

View Finder

For years, photographer John Huddleston has been walking the woods near his home in Weybridge, Vermont, capturing the transitory nature of the forest with his camera. An excerpt from his latest book of photography At Home in the Northern Forest.

By John Huddleston
Photography by John Huddleston
March 12, 2021

The Man Who Saw in Technicolor

Two years after his death, remembering Jason Spindler up close.

By Ellen Halle '13
Illustration by Vanessa Lovegrove
January 29, 2021

What’s The Deal?

The story behind the critically acclaimed podcast, hosted by Middlebury Institute professor Jeffrey Lewis, that tells you everything you need to know about the Iranian nuclear deal.

By Rhianna Tyson Kreger
Photo illustration by Paul Dahm
December 16, 2020

Hunger Fight

How two Middlebury alumni are building on the local food economy to help hungry Vermonters.

By Jessie Raymond '90
Photographs courtesy ShiftMeals
December 3, 2020

Dispatches

More Than Unwelcome in America

Reflections on what it feels like to be Asian in the United States.

By Bochu Ding '21
Photograph by Getty Images
March 26, 2021

One for the History Books

Working at Middlebury for nearly 50 years, Bob Preseau had experienced just about everything that can happen on a residential campus. A retirement party on Zoom, however, was a first.

By Jessie Raymond '90
Illustration by John Dykes
March 25, 2021

Whiskey*, with a Twist

What does it mean to create a line of craft spirits that hews tightly to sustainability practices? Will Drucker '08.5 thought he'd try and find out.

By Jessie Raymond '90
Photograph courtesy Split Spirits
February 26, 2021

May I Have a Word?

During the pandemic, as the arts have struggled to stay relevant in a virtual world, one artistic director came up with a brilliant idea to showcase local talent.

By Sara Thurber Marshall
February 12, 2021

Otter Nonsense

Who had giant mutant otters on their 2020 Bingo card?

By Matt Jennings
Photograph by Daniel Houghton '04
December 17, 2020

Marble Works

How recycled stone from a College building has a second life in the local arts world.

By Jessie Raymond '90
Photograph by Todd Balfour
December 16, 2020

Home Schooled

With COVID restrictions temporarily halting normal campus activities such as in-person lectures, a pair of faculty members devised a digital alternative that should have a shelf life for years to come.

By Sara Thurber Marshall
Illustration by Harry Campbell
November 5, 2020

Home, Heart

A student-designed affordable home wins major architectural award

By Stephen Diehl
Photographs by Lindsay Selin Photography
October 8, 2020

Catching Up with Elise Morris

Our colleagues in Athletic Communications talk to the women's soccer player about one of higher education's most pressing issues: sexual assault prevention and awareness on college campuses.

By Ali Paquette
Photography by Ali Paquette
October 7, 2020
View All

Pursuits

In the Line of Fire

What it's like to be a firefighter in California, when each emergency is more extreme than the last.

By John Devine
Illustration by Stuart Biers
February 12, 2021

Q&A

On the World Stage

Only a sophomore, Nordic skier Sophia Laukli makes her World Cup debut for the U.S. National team. We catch up with her to talk about the experience.

By Matt Jennings
Photograph by NordicFocus, GMBH
February 12, 2021

Editor’s Note

A Brilliant Fogg

Saying goodbye to a dear colleague and friend.

By Matt Jennings
Illustration by Jody Hewgill
February 25, 2020

Old Chapel

The Magnitude of Systemic Racism

Acknowledging a national scourge and examining the work that must be done at Middlebury— individually and collectively—to combat it.

By Laurie L. Patton
Illustration by Montse Bernal
June 9, 2020

Road Taken

What to Wear Now

Through accrued life experiences, a writer discovers that a common question has become a statement of identity.

By Samantha Hubbard Shanley ’99
Illustration by Naomi Clarke
March 11, 2021

Quotation

A summer immersed in a language can do wonders, as veterans of Middlebury College’s famous language-learning program can attest. The lockdown is clearly going to amount to the equivalent of about two summers, and there are mini-Middleburys happening in millions of houses worldwide.”

—John McWhorter, writing “The Coronavirus Generation Will Use Language Differently” in the Atlantic.

Podcasts

Alone Together, Ep. 9 with Jessica St. Clair ’98 and Dan O’Brien ’96

Dan O'Brien ’96, a playwright and poet, and Jessica St. Clair ’98, a comedian and writer, join President Patton for our final check in with the community during COVID-19 self-isolation. Dan and Jessica are a true power couple in the arts that met in a Middlebury improv group. They discuss Dan's magazine essay "Life Shrinks: Lessons from Chemo Quarantine," how reopening the country feels a lot like remission, and how their art is evolving to reflect the pandemic.

By Middlebury Magazine Staff
June 15, 2020

Alone Together, Ep. 8 with Dick Clay, Covid-19 Survivor

In this episode, Dick Clay, a student at the Bread Loaf School of English, shares his story of recovering from COVID-19. Dick discusses when the seriousness of the virus hit him, the "wilderness path to recovery," and how he will process this experience through writing.

By Middlebury Magazine Staff
June 8, 2020

Alone Together, Ep. 7 with Jodie Keith and Jacque Bergevin, Essential Workers

In this episode, we hear from Jodie Keith and Jacque Bergevin, who have been working with custodial services to keep our Vermont campus safe and clean. Jodie and Jacque share what campus has been like since the students left: what it's like to schedule hourly sanitation of buildings, how every day feels like an empty Saturday morning, and that the infamous Middlebury squirrels have lost a bit of weight.

By Middlebury Magazine Staff
Photography by Bob Handelman
June 1, 2020

Review

Editors’ Picks for March and April

By Middlebury Magazine Staff
March 23, 2021

How Did You Get Here?

Megan Job

By Alexandra Burns '21
February 15, 2021

Leif Taranta

By Alexandra Burns '21
February 15, 2021

Mikayla Haefele

By Alexandra Burns '21
February 15, 2021

Videos

In the Blink of an Eye

Gone in less than a minute—the middle of June 2019 to the middle of June 2020, as viewed from the rooftop of the Mittelman Observatory.

By Middlebury Magazine Staff
Video by Jonathan Kemp/Mittelman Observatory
June 10, 2020

All the Feels

Current students, alumni of all ages, parents, faculty, and staff come together to sing Middlebury's alma mater "Walls of Ivy."

By Chris Spencer
May 26, 2020

A (Virtual) Visit with Kenshin Cho ’20

Laurie Patton chats with the political science major and SGA treasurer, who has been unable to return to his native Tokyo.

By Middlebury Magazine Staff
April 18, 2020
Middlebury College
  • Alumni
  • Newsroom
  • Contact Us
  • icon-instagram

The views presented are not necessarily those of the editors or the official policies of the College.

© 2021 Middlebury College Publications.